Understanding Narcissism - Handbasket, In a Nutshell

Narcissus, son of the river nymph Liriope and the river god Cephisus, sits by the river looking at a reflection in the water. Not knowing it is his reflection, he falls in love with the image. So enthralled by the man in the water, he decides that nothing can compete with the one he loves. Those that loved him could not touch him. (Melville, 1986, pp. 61-66). When he finally realized that the image he coveted was that of himself, he realized that it was he that he was in love with. (Melville, 1986, pp. 64-65). This early myth by Ovid sets the basis for what we call narcissism. Unfortunately, those that deal with narcissists do not find the experience as romantic as the ancient myth portrays it. Narcissism is a personality disorder with many easily recognizable symptoms that is not only difficult to live with, but is also very difficult, if not impossible to treat.
There are varying degrees of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). In the early 1900’s it was classified as a neurosis, schizophrenia, and psychosis. It was also connected with paranoia and suicide (Ronningstam, 2005, p.11). It was not until the around the 1960’s that narcissism started taking on a classification all its own, and real work began on the disorder by itself.

Bursten’s Typology from 1973 (Ronningstam, 2005, p.14) lists the various types of narcissistic personalities. They are as follows:

1) The Craving Type – This type is dependant and passive aggressive. The craving type is also without capacity to depend or rely on anyone else. They are demandingly clingy, and prone to disappointment.

2) The Paranoid Type – This type is hypersensitive, very rigid, suspicious of others, and very jealous. They are argumentative, blame others and ascribe evil motives to them. Their anger ranges from skepticism to jealous rage.

3) The Manipulative Type – These narcissists are deceptive, feel contempt, and are exhilarated at the success of their deceptions. They are clever and tricky, competitive, and focused on proving their superiority.

4) The Phallic Narcissist – This type struggles with the shame of being weak, and compensates with competitiveness, pseudo-masculinity, aggressive and arrogant attitudes, and self glorification.

Though there are numerous symptoms of narcissists, and not all narcissists share all of them, and though many people share some traits with narcissists, not all people have NPD. Those that live or work with narcissists find that their lives can become miserable. Some lives go to Hell in a handbasket.

The narcissist is often self centered. “It’s all about me” is the attitude most take on, and though they may speak of community, charity, and brotherhood, this is often a cover to advance them in the eyes of their peers, or in society. The narcissist’s primary motivation is self advancement, and always self-serving (Narcissism, n.d.).

Often, fantasies of brilliance fill the mind of the narcissist. They see themselves in positions of power and false ideas about their own success. Narcissists often see themselves as being good at things they are not, or try to convince others that they are but hide their true talents. In addition, the narcissists have a constant need for approval and admiration. They feel entitled to special treatment, and rules do not apply to them. They will lie, often when it is easier to tell the truth. Admitting they have problems is out of the question (Fay, 2004, pp.29-30).

The narcissist can switch from being Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde at the drop of a hat. They can demand immediate compliance with their demands, and they often have rages of anger, tantrums, and fits when things don’t go their way. In a failed relationship, the narcissist may resort to stalking or harassment. They cannot accept that a failed relationship is in any way their fault. If it is not the fault of the one they had the relationship with, then it is the fault of everyone else he or she had contact with (Fay, 2004, pp.29-30).

The narcissist will deny he or she has any issues and sees him or herself as perfect. Nothing that anyone does for him is good enough. In addition, the narcissist must have the biggest house, best car, largest boat, etc. The narcissist will have delusions of grandeur, and will always strive to be thought of as the best, own the best, or will get the best. If the narcissist does not possess these things, it is often important for them that others believe that he does (Fay, 2004, pp.29-30).

Sex for the narcissist is another issue that warrants exploring. Sex is a form of power, and is often used as a set-up for ongoing pain, manipulation, sadness and confusion. The narcissist uses sex as a way of dictating behavior, and because the narcissist does not know how to love, it is merely a tool to use to promote his own power within the household. Often the narcissist prefers unusual sex practices such as pedophilia. Though the narcissist may come off as passionate or understanding, this is always an act. Narcissists do not know how to love, and any similarities to love are only a means to promote the agenda of the narcissist. If the narcissist is homosexual, this fact will always be hidden in order to continue the appearance of perfection in his peers (Fay, 2004, pp.29-30).

In the workplace, the narcissist can be a major problem, especially in positions of authority. Those with NPD often blame others for their mistakes or poor performance. It is never their fault that production schedules are not met, or machinery breaks down. They will criticize or publicly belittle others as a way to make themselves look better. They find fault where they can, and are very picky. This is a tactic to ensure others fail and thus make the narcissist look superior. They discourage initiative because their way is the only way. They brag about their achievements, and often lie about what they have accomplished. They refuse to admit mistakes, and often take credit for the work or ideas of others. They expect favors and admiration from their subordinates, and make demeaning statements about others, all to promote themselves (Brown, 2002, p.4).

First impressions of narcissists are almost always good. They come across as the nicest, most courteous and understanding individuals. They are always there for a friend, or a damsel in distress. They are there for the community when it puts them in a high profile position. The narcissist is always there to lend a shoulder to cry on, or lend a willing ear, but this is only an act. Relationships start out well, and the narcissist continues the act until his or her specific goals are met, such as commitment to a relationship, or a particular position within a company is reached. This is when the transformation takes place, and it happens very quickly. The symptoms above come to the surface. Relationships, whether at home or in the workplace, turn abusive, and sometimes dangerous.

Unfortunately, there are no reliable treatments for NPD. The narcissist refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with them, and it is always someone or something else that caused the problems. Without the narcissists seeing fault within themselves there is little that can be done in the form of therapy (On Narcissism, n.d.). Many narcissists end up living alone most of the time, bent on revenge to those that wronged them. Often those with NPD end up in institutions such as prison because even something as concrete as laws do not apply to them. Those in committed relationships with narcissists find their lives to be a living Hell, and escaping the relationship is very difficult. The narcissist will often change back to the wonderful being they once were long enough to patch things up, only to return to their true self once things settle back down.
So where does the narcissist come from? From the book Why Is It Always About You, Sandy Hotchkiss wrote, “How well children manage shame is what ultimately determine who becomes a narcissist. It all begins with the task of forming a healthy sense of self as distinct from one’s caregivers, what psychologists call the process of separation-individualism”(2003). So it seems that it may be possible to raise our children to be narcissists, or not.

Narcissism is very common, and though some narcissists are worse than others, the traits of narcissists almost always hurt others. Dealing with them is difficult, and when the narcissist is one half of a relationship, it can be disastrous. There isn’t a cure for narcissism, and it seems that the only recourse in coping with a narcissist is to distance one’s self from them. Without a willingness to admit fault or need, the narcissist is unlikely to seek help, as well as unwilling to utilize help should one be forced into therapy. Narcissists will float from one friend or relationship to the next, burning bridges along the way. When they use up their welcome at one place or with one relationship, they will move on to the next without guilt. There is no graceful parting of ways with the narcissist. Once the relationship goes sour, then it is always the other’s fault, and it is always a bad situation. There is no middle ground. Dealing with a narcissist is always bad news. Narcissism is a handbasket (in a nutshell).

References
Brown, N. (2002). Working with the Self-Absorbed. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Fay, M. J.. (2004). When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong. Parker: Out Of The Boxx, Inc.

Hotchkiss, S. (2003). Why is it Always About You? New York: Free Press
Melville, A.D. (Trans.). (1986). Ovids Metamorphoses. Oxford: Oxford University Press.

Narcissism. Retrieved on April 19, 2008 from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/psychoanalysis/concepts/narcissism.htm

On Narcissism. Retrieved on April 20, 2008 from http://www.friedgreentomatoes.org/articles/narcissism.php
Ronningstam, E.F.. (2005). Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality. Oxford: Oxford University Press.